I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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