guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
