I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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