The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
