can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
