just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
