Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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