you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
