I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
