My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
