Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
