Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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