I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
