I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I party with great urgency now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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