my phone needs a breathalizer
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
