Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
