people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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