Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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