My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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