just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Randomize
