I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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