I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
