People in love make me want to vomit
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
