I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
