she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
