i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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