So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
