I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
