Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
