I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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