I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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