I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
