In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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