dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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