chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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