the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
