You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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