my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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