Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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