My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
