the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
