turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
