when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
