Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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