I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
