I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
