i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
