We won't sleep together?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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