my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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