There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
