I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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