I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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