in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
